April 12th 2020
I’ve been in my flat for a month now. We started working from home a week before the official lockdown, so my daily walk to and from work feels like forever ago. I was supposed to be visiting my parents this weekend. I don’t actually remember an Easter weekend I haven’t spent on my own for one reason or another, but not being able to escape my flat and get outside properly has made this particular weekend difficult.
I spent most of yesterday reevaluating my life choices. Totally healthy, I know. I live alone, in a flat without a garden, and no pets. The closest I can get to being outside (aside from the rare occasions where I venture out for a walk) is sitting on my windowsill. I find it really hard not to look at the families and couples walking down the street below without feeling bitter resentment. Did I make the right choices? Should I have “settled down”, not been so worried about a career? I’ve always been an independent person, but this whole situation has me wishing I had people, a family. Something.
I’ve been trying really hard to focus on the present – I’m lucky enough to still be working full-time, and it’s challenging, but it fills the days. But not being able to think clearly about the future is making my normal everyday worries worse.
I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a month. Our situation is complicated anyway, but I’m finding it hard not to worry that this indefinite period apart will change things too much. I’ve never felt further away from him.
I feel like when this is over I want to make things different. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be stuck in the top floor of a building. But then… how much of that is in my control anyway?
At least I could get a cat.