April 21st 2020
I debated whether or not to write this. I’m feeling pretty self-involved right now. And I know things are so much worse for a lot of people. My friend’s Grandma died in a care-home over the weekend and she can’t go home to be with her family. My brother is working non-stop without proper PPE. My dad has been furloughed (though at least he hasn’t lost his job). I know I’m so lucky to still be working (and being paid), and my living situation is secure, so I know I have no right to be as pathetic as I am being. But I’m finding it hard to look at things objectively at the moment.
Living in the present is no longer working for me. My present feels meaningless and unfulfilling. I’m not sure what amount of meaning or fulfilment I’m supposed to have in this situation, but it seems like everyone else is doing better than me at the moment.
I get up and work everyday. Which is fine. It fills the time. Work is going okay – our team is doing what we’ve said we’ll do, we’re making progress on our projects and I’ve got time to learn things, which is good. But then work ends, and then what? I’ve been doing some coursework to try and feel like I’m being productive. My concentration is awful most of the time. I haven’t been outside in a while. I feel weird about it, but I’m not sure why.
I built a blanket fort on the weekend. Partly because my gas ran out and I can’t face dealing with trying to top-up my gas card – I figured being in a fort would be warmer, which turned out to be true. I thought I’d take it down after a couple of days, but I’m finding it strangely comforting. Life is so far from normal right now, why not hole-up in a blanket fort in an effort to hide from reality?
The lack of an endpoint is causing me significant frustration. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Working on my own is boring, and I still count the days til the weekend, but then what? Two days of fuck-all. What’s the point? I’m so tired of being alone. Video chat is fine, but then it ends and I’m alone again. I’m craving a hug, which is kind of unusual for me.
I’m so far from content in the present and I can’t think about the future…
I’m trying to fend off a mounting existential crisis. But I’m running out of solutions. Guess I’ll just have to hide in my fort until I figure it out.
Why aren’t you going out and topping up the gas card etc.? It is because you’re concerned about catching Covid-19? It sounds to me as if you’re slipping into a rut and I can’t imagine not leaving the house is doing you any good at all.
I agree that formless weekends and a lack of proper contact is becoming increasingly debilitating, and it’s hard to foresee light at the end of the tunnel.
Hang in there.