Dr Kristopher Lovell

Sept 21st 2020
My county is one of those going back into lockdown tomorrow evening. Realistically this makes no difference to me. I moved about 2 months ago and don’t know anyone around here. My boyfriend broke things off with me just over a month ago (not that I’d seen him before that since March). I’ve missed seeing him, I’ve missed our lives being normal. Now I miss all of that plus having him to talk to. If I didn’t feel so very alone before, I definitely do now. And I miss the hope of a future.

We had a work picnic a couple of weeks ago, first time we’d all been together since March. I’d missed being around people, joking, winding each other up. And I met a friend for a McDonald’s drive-thru breakfast last week – easily distanced by sitting in our own cars. But that’s it. So when I say realistically another lockdown makes no difference to me – the fact is it’s not really possible for me to go out or see people less than I already am.

And yet…

Once again I am back to zero hope for the future. I had pretty much none left after the person I’d thought I’d spend the rest of my life with made a different choice. I’ve been working on getting some of it back, slowly. My counsellor says she’s going to get me to be less cynical. We shall see (she said, cynically…). But what is there for me to hope for? What a second lockdown does do for me is serve as a reminder for how alone I am. No one to stop seeing, no changes to make. And no hope for things to be different.

I’m pathetic and ungrateful, I know. I have a job, I’m probably unlikely to lose it even with things changing on a regular basis. And I’m doing okay at it, for the most part. I have a house now, which I feel very lucky for. I am pathetic and ungrateful. But I can’t help but feel like if the soul purpose of my life is to get up, sit alone at my desk for 8hrs working at a job that really doesn’t make that much difference to other people’s lives, then maybe I peaked before I hit 30. Maybe my life at 29 was as good as it’s gunna get. I have nothing to look forward to, and no hope that things will ever be better. My counsellor may have her work cut out…

This pandemic has robbed me of loved ones and any hope for a better future. But realistically, a second lockdown makes no difference to me.