[TW: This post contains some references to self-harm and as such has been hidden on the main page. Please click the link or the ‘Read More’ below to see the account.
The pandemic is making difficult situations even harder for many people. There are lots of amazing services out there that are there to listen and help. If things are getting difficult please talk to someone.
These are just a couple of suggestions. There are wide range of support groups and charities to talk to. Please reach out to them if you need to]
Last week was my 21st birthday. I spent it isolated inside with my family, and baked all day to keep my mind off the world around me. Our state is in stage four lockdown meaning that I can’t even see my best friend. I only have like two and a bit friends anyway so to not be able to see any on a day I have traditionally spent with my best friend was a real kick to the gut and a drain on my mental state.
I have begun to show traits of agoraphobia. They’ve always been there, I’ve always been a bit of a loner and a home body, but with a pandemic and a naturally paranoid and slight germaphobe personality, I’ve become a wreck. Since March I would only leave the house for doctors appointments and walking around the block, but since stage four lockdown went into place (I think that was back in July), I haven’t even left the house at all. I’ve avoided doctors appointments at all costs due to surges of anxiety and I desperately need to see one about all my mental issues.
I haven’t told anyone that I’ve regularly thought about killing myself since the pandemic started. I know I don’t have the guts to go through with it thankfully but the thoughts are always there. Every night when I go to bed, I imagine a rope around my neck. It’s become a comfort thought throughout all the mess of the world. Last year I finished my diploma in event management with plans of what I wanted to do in life and where I wanted to go. I had a nervous (passive suicidal) breakdown during my exam period resulting in surges of anxiety every time I now attempt to write a resume. I though that would be just a bit of a bump in my path, I’ll get over it and be on my way to saving up and finally moving out of a house that no longer feels like a home, eventually move countries. But now, I can’t even see a week into my future. I don’t know what’s going to happen any more and I already struggled with control before this all began.
The pandemic has forced me to take stock on my life and I feel like I’ve wasted it and have an abundance of regrets. I wish I could restart with the benefit of hindsight and get myself into a position where I am not spending my days staring at a computer, tv or up at a ceiling, feeling alone and thinking about death as I attempt to make the days go by faster. I miss being happy.