Today is Monday, October 5th, 2020. Covids been going on for a while now and it’s almost as if Americans have forgotten how serious it is. While of course online people are still somewhat freaking out, I currently reside in Orland Hills and the lack of social distancing and mask wearing is frightening. I work from home now and I attend DePaul University online. It’s been tough getting used to such isolation is hard, I’m starting to garden more though. My plants are doing fine. My grandma who comes every week, despite my wishes she stays home and safe, loves the plants. My grandpa is in the hospital right now after he got an infection from a botched surgery. No one is allowed to see him in fears that covid will get to him. I’ve had a couple of covid scares these past few months. The knowledge that I might actually kill a loved one scares me. Living through a pandemic is weird. I’ve read about multiple other pandemics but to live through one is an experience, not a fun one. I’m reading the monster at our door by mike Davis. Drawing parallels between covid and the avian flu is horrifying. The disenfranchised really are the ones suffering. Black and brown folks are facing the worst here in Chicago. Whether it’s unemployment, eviction, or the actual virus. I pray for us. Dissociating from what’s happening helps sometimes, that’s what I believe most Americans do. We’re not used to stuff like this, I guess. But at some point, we need to stop dissociating and face it. Anyways that’s a Monday morning for me.

5/10/2020 – What feels like forever

So much has happened and continues to happen on a daily basis. Reading the news is so anxiety inducing. It feels like everything is spiralling out of control . It’s so hard to keep up with everything that’s going on.

I really couldn’t give a toss about what Boris has to say, as he got us in this terrible predicament in the first place. Boris and his cabinet were completely negligent in their response and look at where its got us.

I’ve mostly been preoccupying myself by trying out new things. I’ve been watching movies, memeing my way around the internet, reading, embroidering and making banana bread (thank you cottagecore for introducing me to this) etc

That being said, this has also been quite a reflective time for me. I’ve kind of learnt to set myself boundaries and that it’s okay to say no sometimes.

Who knows when this will all end but when it does I’m excited to go on vacation bro ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽

The whole situation feels surreal. I remember back in March when everyone was treating it quite lightly and that by June this will all be resolved, but now it’s October and we’re still in the same pandemic. It was definitely handled poorly by our government and although this is completely out of the blue and not something many people could have predicted, the way the government chose to respond spoke volumes. It was very clear from the beginning that the people’s interests are not put at the forefront essentially, especially since from the beginning the prime minister gave very confusing broad statements and sometimes (even now) contradicts himself. I personally took it very seriously as I didn’t want to lose my loved ones, but I know many people who didn’t and still don’t. Sometime during the summer my mum took a test and it was confirmed that she had traces of Covid back in January when she went on holiday with my dad and they were both sick out of nowhere. Strangely enough this seemed to ease my worries a little since my mum still needed to go into work sometimes. I became so unmotivated and lazy and used to just staying at home, I remember struggling to do my online exams in May and also how upsetting my grades were since I had done worse than before. It’s a strange period and most people have tried to make light of the situation and use their time wisely to work out or start a new hobby but I personally feel like I’ve wasted 6 months and have nothing to show for it. I also worked during a supermarket during the summer so the amount of customers who refused to wear PPI and who didn’t care to respect the guidelines and other people started to get irritating. Either way, overall this experience has been just strange and abnormal and I don’t wish to go through something like this again.

March 30th, I’m sat stunned in my living room with a premature baby who came home after 3.5 months in hospital only to be straight into lockdown with him. We’re shielded because he’s on oxygen with COPD and I am genuinely frozen in shock because I don’t know how to process what this means for everyday life. From relaying on everyone for shopping to hilarious handouts from the council. It’s all just surreal. One of our food boxes seems to be a donation from TKMaxx. Beggars can’t be choosers but the cuttlefish ink pasta is a bit ‘extra’.

Unfortunately I’ve sunk into the banana bread craze and my small home has no garden, with no access to the outdoors and only baked goods to keep me comfort I’ll be lucky to come out of this without rickets. Humour though, has always kept me company.

My neighbours communicate from the window, they tap and I instantly hold the baby up to the window. They mouth ‘do I need anything’ and I always say ‘I’m fine’. This is my routine. But oddly it’s a lovely one. And I’m 100% sure the baby is their ray of light too. Before covid how many neighbours did this. Like everyone else, I hope the community spirit prevails. Though the antisocial part of me hopes a 2m distance is a permanent feature. At this point, I’ve no idea how I’ll ever return to ‘normal’.

3 March 2020

Weird night. Bright blue light in the hallway for about two hours. Don’t know if I was dreaming or something strange was going on. There is usually some light because my PC gives off mild blue light – nothing like this though.

Strange things recently – like Nana’s tortoise with the lid coming off by itself.

Strange world though presently. Currently some fascist former UKIP MEP is claiming that hens invented eggs and that a breakfast of bacon and eggs is somehow ‘patriotic’ – even when most bacon is imported.

Invisible PM who hasn’t been seen in public for weeks, apart from at a fundraising dinner, is engaged and expecting another child even though no one knows how many he has already. Poor woman and unfortunate child will be discarded like the rest of them in due course.

Lots of posters about handwashing at work and two small bottles of hand sanitiser. Talk is of masks even though they don’t work. Photos in newspapers would make you think people are using them. I haven’t seen one yet.

The idiot has done a broadcast telling everyone to shake hands – which is of course a great way to spread the dammed thing. It’s like intentionally killing off anyone who thinks he is credible, which might not be a bad thing.

Apparently, supermarkets have plans to reduce their ranges should there be food shortages and panic buying. I am concerned this may make it more difficult to get evil free things which don’t make me ill (free of wheat and dairy) – like suitable flour and bread. Otherwise I have a good stock of tinned and dried goods anyway so I won’t be panic buying – more or less my normal monthly shop on payday once each month – depending on what I can get at the time of course.

Police and health service would also ‘scale back’ in the event of a major outbreak. Which means basically the end of end kind of law and order, not that we have much anyway, and any kind of health service, also not presently very good. This feels like a planned breakdown of civilised society – to probably be replaced by the all reaching arm of the fascist state and private companies owned by friends of those in power. Profit from pain – the motto of these vampiric parasites.

Every person for themselves then it sounds like.

Got my headphones on at lunchtime and it’s like every track I listen to today somehow has greater resonance. Life and death and everything brought into very sharp focus. Hope and despair in every track. Winter’s leaving. Who will sing me to deaths sweet sleep. Children of wind, sea and fire, wolves. Etc

Write it all down at least then it’s of use to someone maybe.

Had a quorn sandwich on an evil free brioche type bun for tea. Too tired to cook and the buns need using up.



04 March 2020

Only one bad dream last night about a sort of image on a screen of a female toothy clown type monster. Didn’t run for it though and was ready to confront it but then I woke up anyway. Good sign that I fight and do not flee. Going to need that.

Weather today is dry, a little warmer, certainly lighter.

Someone designed this office as a series of connected chunks of cheap plywood rather than actual desks. Now I am sat opposite someone for whom the desk is too small I am constantly subjected to desk and monitor earthquakes every time x moves. It’s becoming impossible to work without constantly stopping and waiting for the desk to become stable again.

Crisps, coconut chocolate goo thing and some apple pieces for lunch as usual.

They have now brought in wipes. I think they were going for hand wipes but somehow we have got antibacterial probe wipes. I am concerned at what stage they think they probing will become necessary.

Keep trying to remember that dawn is right around the very darkest corner …

Feels like a long night ahead though.

Had just a frozen pie for tea. Not feeling hungry really.

I went to class with my mask on and I keep my distance from other students. The school is still open but most of the class are online. Usually I would study at a cafe but I don’t want to risk it even if I am careful. I am also afraid that people would judge me for not studying at home where it is safe. Music has definetely helped me with studying at home. I usually listen to the soundtrack of Twin Peaks, it is comforting to me. I have noticed that I have cleaned my room a lot mire after this thing happened and I have donated things that I haven’t used for years. I got a free annual card for the swimming pool from my work but I still haven’t used it because the third wave is still going. I really want to go but again I am afraid that people will judge me.