Dr Kristopher Lovell

5/10/2020 – What feels like forever

So much has happened and continues to happen on a daily basis. Reading the news is so anxiety inducing. It feels like everything is spiralling out of control . It’s so hard to keep up with everything that’s going on.

I really couldn’t give a toss about what Boris has to say, as he got us in this terrible predicament in the first place. Boris and his cabinet were completely negligent in their response and look at where its got us.

I’ve mostly been preoccupying myself by trying out new things. I’ve been watching movies, memeing my way around the internet, reading, embroidering and making banana bread (thank you cottagecore for introducing me to this) etc

That being said, this has also been quite a reflective time for me. I’ve kind of learnt to set myself boundaries and that it’s okay to say no sometimes.

Who knows when this will all end but when it does I’m excited to go on vacation bro ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽

The whole situation feels surreal. I remember back in March when everyone was treating it quite lightly and that by June this will all be resolved, but now it’s October and we’re still in the same pandemic. It was definitely handled poorly by our government and although this is completely out of the blue and not something many people could have predicted, the way the government chose to respond spoke volumes. It was very clear from the beginning that the people’s interests are not put at the forefront essentially, especially since from the beginning the prime minister gave very confusing broad statements and sometimes (even now) contradicts himself. I personally took it very seriously as I didn’t want to lose my loved ones, but I know many people who didn’t and still don’t. Sometime during the summer my mum took a test and it was confirmed that she had traces of Covid back in January when she went on holiday with my dad and they were both sick out of nowhere. Strangely enough this seemed to ease my worries a little since my mum still needed to go into work sometimes. I became so unmotivated and lazy and used to just staying at home, I remember struggling to do my online exams in May and also how upsetting my grades were since I had done worse than before. It’s a strange period and most people have tried to make light of the situation and use their time wisely to work out or start a new hobby but I personally feel like I’ve wasted 6 months and have nothing to show for it. I also worked during a supermarket during the summer so the amount of customers who refused to wear PPI and who didn’t care to respect the guidelines and other people started to get irritating. Either way, overall this experience has been just strange and abnormal and I don’t wish to go through something like this again.

March 30th, I’m sat stunned in my living room with a premature baby who came home after 3.5 months in hospital only to be straight into lockdown with him. We’re shielded because he’s on oxygen with COPD and I am genuinely frozen in shock because I don’t know how to process what this means for everyday life. From relaying on everyone for shopping to hilarious handouts from the council. It’s all just surreal. One of our food boxes seems to be a donation from TKMaxx. Beggars can’t be choosers but the cuttlefish ink pasta is a bit ‘extra’.

Unfortunately I’ve sunk into the banana bread craze and my small home has no garden, with no access to the outdoors and only baked goods to keep me comfort I’ll be lucky to come out of this without rickets. Humour though, has always kept me company.

My neighbours communicate from the window, they tap and I instantly hold the baby up to the window. They mouth ‘do I need anything’ and I always say ‘I’m fine’. This is my routine. But oddly it’s a lovely one. And I’m 100% sure the baby is their ray of light too. Before covid how many neighbours did this. Like everyone else, I hope the community spirit prevails. Though the antisocial part of me hopes a 2m distance is a permanent feature. At this point, I’ve no idea how I’ll ever return to ‘normal’.

3 March 2020

Weird night. Bright blue light in the hallway for about two hours. Don’t know if I was dreaming or something strange was going on. There is usually some light because my PC gives off mild blue light – nothing like this though.

Strange things recently – like Nana’s tortoise with the lid coming off by itself.

Strange world though presently. Currently some fascist former UKIP MEP is claiming that hens invented eggs and that a breakfast of bacon and eggs is somehow ‘patriotic’ – even when most bacon is imported.

Invisible PM who hasn’t been seen in public for weeks, apart from at a fundraising dinner, is engaged and expecting another child even though no one knows how many he has already. Poor woman and unfortunate child will be discarded like the rest of them in due course.

Lots of posters about handwashing at work and two small bottles of hand sanitiser. Talk is of masks even though they don’t work. Photos in newspapers would make you think people are using them. I haven’t seen one yet.

The idiot has done a broadcast telling everyone to shake hands – which is of course a great way to spread the dammed thing. It’s like intentionally killing off anyone who thinks he is credible, which might not be a bad thing.

Apparently, supermarkets have plans to reduce their ranges should there be food shortages and panic buying. I am concerned this may make it more difficult to get evil free things which don’t make me ill (free of wheat and dairy) – like suitable flour and bread. Otherwise I have a good stock of tinned and dried goods anyway so I won’t be panic buying – more or less my normal monthly shop on payday once each month – depending on what I can get at the time of course.

Police and health service would also ‘scale back’ in the event of a major outbreak. Which means basically the end of end kind of law and order, not that we have much anyway, and any kind of health service, also not presently very good. This feels like a planned breakdown of civilised society – to probably be replaced by the all reaching arm of the fascist state and private companies owned by friends of those in power. Profit from pain – the motto of these vampiric parasites.

Every person for themselves then it sounds like.

Got my headphones on at lunchtime and it’s like every track I listen to today somehow has greater resonance. Life and death and everything brought into very sharp focus. Hope and despair in every track. Winter’s leaving. Who will sing me to deaths sweet sleep. Children of wind, sea and fire, wolves. Etc

Write it all down at least then it’s of use to someone maybe.

Had a quorn sandwich on an evil free brioche type bun for tea. Too tired to cook and the buns need using up.



04 March 2020

Only one bad dream last night about a sort of image on a screen of a female toothy clown type monster. Didn’t run for it though and was ready to confront it but then I woke up anyway. Good sign that I fight and do not flee. Going to need that.

Weather today is dry, a little warmer, certainly lighter.

Someone designed this office as a series of connected chunks of cheap plywood rather than actual desks. Now I am sat opposite someone for whom the desk is too small I am constantly subjected to desk and monitor earthquakes every time x moves. It’s becoming impossible to work without constantly stopping and waiting for the desk to become stable again.

Crisps, coconut chocolate goo thing and some apple pieces for lunch as usual.

They have now brought in wipes. I think they were going for hand wipes but somehow we have got antibacterial probe wipes. I am concerned at what stage they think they probing will become necessary.

Keep trying to remember that dawn is right around the very darkest corner …

Feels like a long night ahead though.

Had just a frozen pie for tea. Not feeling hungry really.

I went to class with my mask on and I keep my distance from other students. The school is still open but most of the class are online. Usually I would study at a cafe but I don’t want to risk it even if I am careful. I am also afraid that people would judge me for not studying at home where it is safe. Music has definetely helped me with studying at home. I usually listen to the soundtrack of Twin Peaks, it is comforting to me. I have noticed that I have cleaned my room a lot mire after this thing happened and I have donated things that I haven’t used for years. I got a free annual card for the swimming pool from my work but I still haven’t used it because the third wave is still going. I really want to go but again I am afraid that people will judge me.

[TW: This post contains some references to self-harm and as such has been hidden on the main page. Please click the link or the ‘Read More’ below to see the account.

The pandemic is making difficult situations even harder for many people. There are lots of amazing services out there that are there to listen and help. If things are getting difficult please talk to someone.

Australia: https://thesamaritans.org.au/get-help-support/
UK: https://www.samaritans.org/

These are just a couple of suggestions. There are wide range of support groups and charities to talk to. Please reach out to them if you need to]

22/09/2020

Back into lockdown today. Or perhaps not lockdown but ‘tighter restrictions’ as they say. In a strange way it is a relief. Firm rules mean that you don’t have to walk some tight rope of what is acceptable; which friends are okay with hanging out, which friends are scared shitless and don’t want to be in the same proximity as anyone. Partial lockdown means you don’t have to navigate the new social, but instead can live in little bubbles. There is no anxiety about whether you should go for a meal with your family even though it breaks local lockdown rules; but if you don’t go you are not being part of the family.

The bubble isn’t too bad to be honest, less pressure. If you see less people it is almost like you can be less responsible for people. Everyone is just trying to find their own way through and you are almost allowed to be insular. It is pretty exhausting carrying the weight of everyone so it is rather refreshing only concentrating on one or two people. Or perhaps this is just the results of six months of all this. It is quite surprising how many people still hold onto the idea that there is an end point to all this. Vaccine hope, my friend calls it. The media and even the politicians talk about this golden arrow that will just make everything better. The scientists are pleading with us to realise that we have to change our behaviour and that this is long term. I don’t think people have the capacity for long term anymore. Everything is instant gratification. Also the individualism of society has become so evident. It feels like people can’t see bigger picture, instead it has to be personal.

Anyway, you can now get pretty cool masks from Gap, so Covid19 Fashion is becoming a thing.

Sept 21st 2020
My county is one of those going back into lockdown tomorrow evening. Realistically this makes no difference to me. I moved about 2 months ago and don’t know anyone around here. My boyfriend broke things off with me just over a month ago (not that I’d seen him before that since March). I’ve missed seeing him, I’ve missed our lives being normal. Now I miss all of that plus having him to talk to. If I didn’t feel so very alone before, I definitely do now. And I miss the hope of a future.

We had a work picnic a couple of weeks ago, first time we’d all been together since March. I’d missed being around people, joking, winding each other up. And I met a friend for a McDonald’s drive-thru breakfast last week – easily distanced by sitting in our own cars. But that’s it. So when I say realistically another lockdown makes no difference to me – the fact is it’s not really possible for me to go out or see people less than I already am.

And yet…

Once again I am back to zero hope for the future. I had pretty much none left after the person I’d thought I’d spend the rest of my life with made a different choice. I’ve been working on getting some of it back, slowly. My counsellor says she’s going to get me to be less cynical. We shall see (she said, cynically…). But what is there for me to hope for? What a second lockdown does do for me is serve as a reminder for how alone I am. No one to stop seeing, no changes to make. And no hope for things to be different.

I’m pathetic and ungrateful, I know. I have a job, I’m probably unlikely to lose it even with things changing on a regular basis. And I’m doing okay at it, for the most part. I have a house now, which I feel very lucky for. I am pathetic and ungrateful. But I can’t help but feel like if the soul purpose of my life is to get up, sit alone at my desk for 8hrs working at a job that really doesn’t make that much difference to other people’s lives, then maybe I peaked before I hit 30. Maybe my life at 29 was as good as it’s gunna get. I have nothing to look forward to, and no hope that things will ever be better. My counsellor may have her work cut out…

This pandemic has robbed me of loved ones and any hope for a better future. But realistically, a second lockdown makes no difference to me.

21.09.2020

My world has shrunk to the space between my house and the corner shop. I don’t go anywhere else; I can’t drive, and it’s not worth risking public transport, so, as of a few months ago, my whole world is half a mile long. When you walk the same half mile stretch every few days to pick up a pint of milk, you tend to notice things that you never even thought to look at before. The forest green ceramic tile of the house number plaque at number 392 has a little crack in it, just between the numbers 9 and 2. There’s a pot hole near the roundabout which grows a few centimetres in diameter every week or so, and now it’s nearly the size of a dinner plate. The house on the corner has paused the work on their extension since April, and the tarpaulin that covers a portion of the roof has a rip in it; I wonder if their whole attic is flooded.

And on the bus shelter near the end of my world, there’s a poster. I’ve seen it dozens of times since they put it up in about December last year, but I’ve never really looked. Only the other day, I did. It used to be a poster advertising the employment prospects for those who could speak Welsh, some effusive copy about how many jobs in the public sector required Welsh speakers. This is your time to learn Welsh! Employment beckons for a person of your skill! Wales is booming!

That poster hasn’t been changed in 9 months; it’s hardly a priority for the council to use their already meagre funds to tend to the aesthetics of bus stops, after all, especially now that the bus services are so reduced. As I remember it, the poster used to have a photo on it of a young man, grinning placidly at the sheer joy of being off the dole and in a cushy council job, and the bilingual caption said something to the effect of ‘the council needs you.’ By now, it’s bleached totally white by nearly a year of sun. There’s still the vague shape of a man, the outline of a head and shoulders, but all the detail is invisible, his smile disappeared into nothing. The space where the excitable copy shrieked about employment opportunities is long gone too, worn away into the same blank white as the poster background. There’s nothing there any more except for the vague impression of what used to be, half a year ago.

Says it all, really.