Dr Kristopher Lovell

It’s the day after the pubs were reopened, and I am not shocked at what I see in the streets. I live in the middle of a long road with spoons at the top and another pub at the bottom owned by a local couple. Both were packed with spoons at least trying to maintain the standards set out by the government, a queue outside and a member of staff holding a clipboard taking details. However, at the other end of the street, the pub was filled way over capacity to which you would be able to social distance. It makes it seem obvious that a second spike will happen. People don’t seem to be able to self govern. People don’t walk up to a pub see that it’s full and walk away or even wait outside till someone else leaves. Self-governance I believe is topic that has not bee discussed enough by the government and members of society. It makes me scared and uninspired for what will happen to the numbers of cases and deaths. People will blame things like protests and children going back to school, but forget the scenes of people crammed on beaches and not able to just give the pub a miss.

It just makes it harder to remain positive about the whole situation

Submitted 5 July 2020

As someone tweeted the other day, “Physically, im close to July. Mentally, im still processing March.”

No words could ring more true regarding the experience of the past few months. The initial announcement of school closures was met with scenes reminiscent of the world cup in 2018, only to be dashed away when the key worker list was released the following Monday. As a teacher it felt like ninety percent of the UK workforce was announced as a key worker, leaving us pondering over the effectiveness of school closures. It should also be noted that the key worker list- emphasis on the words ‘key worker’- encompassed many roles which the government had previously disregarded as being non essential; and scarily, this included nurses.

The next few weeks are what I can only describe as a blur. This isnt meant to be cliche- its simply the only way I can describe it. With little to differentiate between weekday and weekend, I often found myself partaking in drinking games on houseparty with friends on random weekdays. House party and zoom provided somewhat of a lifeline during those early weeks, allowing much needed social interaction. There was one small issue however. Conversation. All too quickly we realised how much conversation spawns and evolves from our daily lived experiences, and with little to none of that normal input, the output was even worse.

In terms of teaching, I continued creating resources for children, and planning for our eventual return- which was rumoured to be in September. It was extraordinary being a teacher from home, and something I will miss. The flexibility, efficiency, and comfortability of being at home made it a far easier and enjoyable job.

I have a common theme with disliking the conservative party, and at the start of this year my feelings were no different. However, on that day in March when Boris came out, armed with Chris Witty and Patrick Vallance, I was willing for the first time to believe and accept- almost hopefully- the conservative way. The encouragement, coupled with scientific facts and informed decision making gave me some semblance of hope in the darkness. I look back often to that night. Mainly because the weeks following saw a rapid abandonment and shunning of the ‘science’ as it was often quoted. “The science says”…”Only when the science allows.” I wished over and over to see this science myself, to help inform my own opinions instead of blindly following a government which has- as always- preferred capital over life.

Its hard really to illustrate the lived experience of lock-down. There are many dark moments I have and will forget, and many that will follow me until the grave. I have enjoyed parts like no other, and developed a new found love for running and cycling- which if you knew me before seems laughable. These few months feel like a lifetime in themselves, and yet, we are only in July. Strangely though they have also flown by? Perhaps there is a very long German word that may capture the essence of this feeling, but I have’nt discovered it yet.

Submitted 30 June 2020

28/06/2020
Not long ago the announcement of a further release of lockdown on the 4th July was announced in the UK, I thought it’d be worthwhile noting the responses I’ve seen amongst friends, family and fellow students..

Personally, I feel split on this topic. On the one hand getting back to ‘normal’ seems positive and I wish positivity was all I felt towards it. However I often feel very anxious about the releasing of lockdown measures. I feel uncomfortable in shops, in public and even meeting family from a large distance, I find myself wanting and waiting to go home each time I venture out. I feel intense guilt for meeting friends, despite being at a distance of 2m and above, despite being in accordance to all the guidelines. I understand a large chunk of these thoughts are most probably irrational, especially considering that the outside world seems to have already gotten back to normal and, to an extent, left me behind. I think the split I feel is the same as the split in the general population; some are anxious, some are leaping at the opportunities now available after so long. The truth is, I think I and lots like me, adapted quite well to a life in lockdown, home has become a beacon of safety and I am just one of many constantly torn between needing to go out and fighting the urge to stay in.

All over social media, this same split is visible. Some are still preaching about lockdown rules, warning a second wave, whilst others post photos and videos together, no distancing, no precautions, just like we were back to normal.

Both I think are separate ends of the Coronavirus discourse that has been ongoing since March.

Mostly, I am anxious to start work. I’ve recently finished my degree and have a graduate scheme waiting for me towards the end of the year (this is due to delays because of the virus). However, I’m unsure how to act now, I have no doubts that the real working world is normally a bit of a sharp shock to the system after years of education and part-time throw-away weekend jobs, but with the addition of lockdown and the significant lack of real-life situations that would normally make you feel a little more comfortable in greeting new people and communicating in social situations, I feel entirely unprepared to face society. Alongside this, I think most graduates like me will feel set back, that their natural career paths and progressive steps are thus stunted by not only the delays put in place by the lockdown and the lack of job availabilities that follow, but with a significant lack of social skills when lucky enough to secure a graduate career.

Like a lot of things at this time, most of it is up the air, and I think it will be extremely interesting to see how we all adjust to life again once lockdown procedures are released even further from the 4th July and beyond.

28 June 2020

In this moment in America, it feels like things are in many ways, worse than ever. The president has turned masks and other safe practices into politics, and it feels like many people are pretending like covid is over. I can only imagine how better we would be if we had a national unity around protecting each other and being safe.

Our cases our rising, and it makes me worried for people like my dad who has to work, and while he wears a mask, many if the people around him don’t. I don’t even know we would do if he got sick. I’m worried for myself because the president thinks treating transgender people should be optional.

I’m able to learn online thankfully, and I’ve exchanged walks in parks to exercising in VR, that I love. I do still go out sometimes, but I really only feel comfortable in outdoor places where it’s mandatory to wear a mask. Everyone living in the house is hoping for a vaccine by the end of the year, but I think that’s just them trying to keep spirits up. It’s been a few months into the pandemic, and I guess I could use some of that hope too. Hope things are just better in the future.

I am working from home and am simultaneously extremely grateful to still have a job, whilst also stressed and anxious by working full time whilst it seems the world is literally falling apart. I feel I should be doing something- about COVID, about BLM, about Me Too but am sat at home all day working as normal. The only difference is not being in an office to do the work. It is frustrating that for me, work continues whilst everything else has ground to halt- I am no longer allowed to do any activities I enjoy. Even though I have a job where I actually do have a visible impact on people’s lives, and often receive thanks from people I have helped, it still just seems a bit pointless in the grand scheme of things.
I have also had some pangs of jealousy- My furloughed friends and families have been taking the time to learn, better themselves, protest and have days sunbathing in the park, whilst I hunch over my laptop in the corner of a darkened room. My boyfriend’s employer is making up the final 20% of the furlough scheme so he has been on full pay, whilst not doing any work for 3 months now. He has loved the freedom and break from the grind, and has been taking the time to relax and do things he enjoys but which ordinarily he might not have time for. I work for the same place, and am having to work full time in order to receive my full pay. I feel bad for not being completely and utterly happy and grateful to still have my job.

24 June

Things have been… easier? Lately. Easier feels like a bad word, life still isn’t easy. But I’ve adjusted. It took 3 months but I am more settled with homeworking now. The problem is everyone else I work with is getting to normal speed, and I feel like it took me until now just to not cry everyday. Everyone else is so much better than I am. I feel like everyone will finally know I’m a fraud. I’m scared I’m going to get into trouble or called a slacker, when I really really am trying, I am just not good enough.

I started going outside. Other than 5 minutes to the local shop. I did a “test walk” going twenty minutes away. Then I went 30 and met a friend. It changed everything. I didn’t realise how starved and lonely I’d been feeling. You think the online chats and calls make up for it, but just hearing an actual voice, seeing a physical person who actually cares about me and wanted to check I was OK and hang out, was so good. Since then I’ve seen some other friends – all in sensible socially distant ways. We’re all a bit of a nervy bunch, so it works!

It’s weird, to be glad that I can kinda see people, but also feel terrified that it’s all happening too soon. I don’t trust the government with people’s wellbeing.

I still can’t see my family in other parts of the UK. It’s difficult having not seen them for so long. I know everyone is in the same boat, but if I lived close to my family hy now I could pop down and sit in the garden. Can’t exactly pop 200 miles to my mother’s house.

I hope this project gets published in some way. I have found relief in reading these entries over the course of the lockdown- thank you for providing that.

16th June 2020 –

I went back to work for the first time yesterday. I felt apprehensive at being in school again. My heart was racing as I approached the gates. Then I calmed. The day was fine, the kids happy to see me. It was all in my head. Then i returned home and the anxiety returned. I bathed straight away. washed several times. disinfected my hands multiple times before eating. The whole thing happened again today.

I was saying to a work colleague the other day that I was in two minds about the Covid panic. Part of me is done with the lock-down. I want it to be over, and for life to return to normality. To return to my daily routine of behaviour management and educating. To return to the normal. Another part of me knows I will miss this when it is all over. The last 3 months have given me some needed R&R and allowed me to pursue my other interests. I’ve read more books in the last few months than in years, (other than for academic purposes). I’ve completed video games, and watch films without guilt. I’ve rekindled old friendships over Skype, and started a new role-playing group with those old uni friends. I’ve become a more conscientious partner to my amazing fiance. All of this because of the lock-down. So part of me will miss these months when life returns to normal.

I realise my experience has been different to others. I’m in a protected profession, and thus have not to worry about paychecks. I live in a quite country village, so have not had to deal with crowds or busy public space. Early on I was categorised as a shielding case, but was then changed category some time later, when the Government moved around priorities, so I have been given a lot of help from my job, whilst being able to reap the benefits of not shielding.

I have felt some odd feelings in the last few weeks. I have seen the BLM movement change the discussion in our country, and have felt powerless to help because of my at risk nature. In my normal life I would be out their protesting, and educating my students on the issues of the day. I have been unable to do this in lock-down, and it has been the most painful aspect of the whole crisis for me.

I have been lucky to be isolated with some one who cares deeply for me, and I for her. I cannot wait to be out of this, and to see my family and friends in person again. But as I say, a small part of me will miss this when it is all over.